“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Being able effectively to deal with criticism is a sign of
emotional intelligence and maturity. The single most common
effect of criticism is that it easily and negatively impacts on
the sense of self worth of many an individual. If you’ve given
specific people, or people in general, “permission” to hold sway
over your sense of self-esteem, you’re vulnerable to criticism
and damage.
Self-esteem is the value we, in our private thoughts, place on
ourselves. You may perceive yourself as a competent, worthy
person, or you might consider yourself to be unattractive,
without special merit, inferior or the like. The range of
choices is wide. What makes this interesting territory, is that
we choose whether our self-worth is internally developed,
maintained and championed or whether it lies in the public
domain, at the mercy of the vested interests or distorted
personal agendas of others.
There’s a relevant story told from the life of the Buddha. It is
said that a man began abusing him. The Buddha didn’t respond.
This made the man even angrier. Eventually he raged, “How can
you remain so tranquil when I abuse you so?” The Buddha looked
at him calmly and said, “If you offered me a plate of food, and
I refused to accept the plate, the food remains yours.” The same
principle applies to criticism.
“Criticisers” - if I may coin a word - are usually unhappy,
unbalanced people. Generally trying to make themselves stand
taller by tottering on the cadavers of those they crush
underfoot. They’re often incapable, ever, of seeing the
potential or the upside of a situation or idea. To quote thinker
and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Taking to pieces is the
trade of those who cannot construct.” That’s them.
Criticism is commonly the consequence of inappropriate
competitiveness or jealousy. Jealousy is the direct product of a
sense of inferiority. Inferiority is the outcome of a poor
self-esteem. So, it’s a vicious cycle. Criticisers don’t realise
that each time they illegitimately attack someone or something,
they’re actually revealing and further undermining their own
impoverished sense of self-worth.
How should we respond to criticism? I use a simple evaluation
mechanism in my own life. If the criticism consistently comes
from just one person, I ignore it. They need to be in a hospital
ward marked “Self-esteem repair unit.” If the criticisms and
observations come from a variety of sources in different
circumstances, the chances are that they’re valid. I take them
seriously and have, over the years, changed many things that I
do or say, as a consequence.
If you’re a pioneer in any shape or form, ahead of your time in
thinking or innovation terms, you’ll be attacked. Swami
Vivekananda referred to the three phases through which new ideas
have to pass: Rejection, ridicule and then acceptance.
Understanding this makes it easier to handle the lack of
receptivity or criticism you’ll encounter from some quarters.
If you allow the criticiser’s words to have a negative impact on
you, you’re giving her or him permission to manage your
self-esteem on your behalf. Considering they’re not doing too
good a job in their own self-worth department, this doesn’t make
sense! Listen to what they say or write and ask yourself, “Does
this have some merit?” If it hasn’t - move on. I find it helpful
to send loving thoughts or prayers in the direction of such
people. This prevents you getting caught up in their loop of
polluted thinking and enmity. Remember that “bad” behaviour is a
symptom of physical, emotional or psychological pain. They’re in
pain - don’t add to it - but also, don’t collude with it.
Criticism can be a useful self-management barometer. Listening
to what people say, and engaging in a bit of introspection, is
an effective way to keep your ego in check. There’s a fine line
between being dismissive of the views of other people and being
affected by everything they have to say. Finding and maintaining
an objective, dispassionate balance, is the key.
Teaching children discernment in the face of criticism is a
healthy early-life lesson. Quite frequently, our most damaging
self-esteem messages are embedded in our formative years. They
may be related, as were mine, to impoverished financial
circumstances, obesity and a lack of athleticism. Being able to
review past messages and press the “delete” button is an
important self-esteem and mental health skill. Make sure you
remain in charge of it.